Facedown is the posture. Rescuing from my Savior is what I am constantly needing. I embrace the tug in my heart this week more than ever. I woke up one morning and felt feelings of utter failure. I woke with a heartache inside of me that wouldn’t go away. As I recall
a period in my life a couple years ago, of how things went, of how communication broke down, of how life went chaotic, of how love was misunderstood. I surrender the broken and busted up dream. I wrestle through the what ifs.
What if? That question stinks. That question torments.
Inadequate. Yes. I stare out the window into the rain and into the fog, and inadequate consumes me. Not just with a hard past but also with having to prepare a sermon for next weekend, of being a youth worker to all these amazing teenagers, of my role as a daughter and as a friend, of everything. Like I said consuming.
I start to battle my flesh with the Word. I stand there long enough for coffee to go cold. But I wasn’t leaving the moment until I reached a place of grounding in truth. I recall scriptures of our strength being made perfect in weakness. Of strength being made perfect in despair. Of hope rising when we wait on Him and wait patiently. I force myself to stand there and trust in the character of God and who He says I am. I am broken. But He is there. And His love is greater than my worried heart.
Conversations fly back and forth between family members that evening very late. I get some devastating news and not just for me but also for my mom. The feeling of being broken hits again, but with a much harder bigger wave and a crash that we don’t know what looks like yet. Ro and Vaughn pray for me, they pray with me and in these
moments, I feel myself yielding to our sovereign Lord. Sleep is little and the next day calls for me to be in the school. Thank God for Lothamer, my mentor, because she encourages me to get up and fight for the day. I thought, there is no way anything good is going to come from today. And if it does, it is only by your grace God and nothing of my own doing. I am a mess. But isn’t everything by His grace anyway? Stupid thinking. Wrong theology.
I sit through the mentoring sessions and then spring into the drop in that was once made up of all girls. It now has boys too. I have been journeying with this group since February. Teachers, leaders, pastors, church members have been faithfully meeting to pray for the school and the young people.
We have been casually doing an overview of the bible and Gods redemptive plan for humanity. I feel a push in my spirit to ask the question, ” Who wants to become a mini- Christ. A mini Jesus? Seven of them responded and as a group we prayed a salvation prayer. And they were desperate to know how to pray everyday in every moment. There was no agenda on paper, no planning. There was prayer, years of sowing into the school, relationship and truth. There was a leading of the Spirit of God. And then they welcome His rescue. God chose at the moment to usher in His kingdom.
Tears well up in my eyes. I can’t believe that just happened. Did that really just take place? Sorrow turns into Joy as I am reminded that God remains sovereign and faithful. And that is regardless of where I am at personally. Lothamer tells me, “so that’s the battle you were fighting today.”
We are all fighting our own wars, we are facing battles and as a follower of Christ our battles are not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities. Our flesh is at war with our spirits.
Whoever holds the Lordship in our lives will determine which side wins.
Jesus fought hell for us. On the cross. And he overcame. Not just then at the moment in history but everyday in every moment. He holds the victory. But in order for Him to fight on our behalf we have to trust Him enough to let him go to bat. We have to lay our weapons down. We lay down, we surrender. We embrace the moment, the feeling, the hurt, the heartache, the pain, the failure, but we don’t leave it there. We submit, we surrender, we die to ourselves and our human responses and allow the Spirit of God to take up residence trusting that He will use whatever it may be to bring His kingdom and goodness to the earth. And often it happens when we least expect it.
I drove and words shouted from soul as I sang along to John Mark McMillen:
“Where the blood of a husband silences wars
For the girl who rises to meet him
And she sings
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome you
World, I have overcome
By my song and the blood of a son”
He wrote this to give a picture of the death and Resurrection representing two sides of the human experience in everyday life.
The girl is the church and she sings, ” I have overcome you world.”
To Him be the glory.