Seeing for the first time

“God and I, we’ve long had trust issues.”

God gave me a moment tonight. He gives me moments all the time. Sometimes though I miss His moments for me. I am too busy existing. Life in the fast lane where hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, and before I know it months have passed by. I have no idea what some days were like or how I lived them. I believe all moments are significant to God. I’m afraid I am the one that counts them as insignificant. So maybe tonight I just tapped into, with my full attention, the connection of what God was doing in my heart. For I didn’t want to let the moment go.

I get into the car. I drive. Not very far, only through a few villages, to get to where I was going.  I pause. The sun shines through the car window. A blue sky. Stone cottages, pubs, people walking hand and hand clearly enjoying one another’s company, and eating meals on the lawns. Everything is green again and it’s as if everything that was brought through a season of winter, of refinement, has sprung back into life. And I realized in that moment, so had I.

Peace flooded the car. Feelings of being settled permeated my being. I say the word, “Home. I feel at home.” And this wasn’t something I was striving for, it just came and landed in my lap. And not just feeling at home in surrounding physical environment but feeling at home in my own skin. Release. I start to converse with God.  I knew he heard me, I knew He saw me there. I know that He  ordained this moment of connection before the beginning of time to reveal a side of Himself to me that I was yet to discover .

Peace. Something He desires for me to have. All the time. Every moment and yet so often I trade my peace in for the anxieties of this world. I trade my peace for control, guilt, condemnation, doubt, anxiety, and fear. Somehow I think if I hold onto them I will benefit. Only do I realize it pushes Him out. It hinders God from giving what He so graciously desires to extend.

Rest- It hasn’t come easy.

3 a.m. and I are on good terms again these days. We meet together quite regularly. Too regularly for one to still stay sane and with it. Not only is the desire present for physical rest but also Sabbath rest. The rest that says God holds the world in motion therefore I don’t. Rest that says God is great, therefore I don’t have to be in control. Rest that says, God is for me and I don’t have to fear.

The fight- I put up a good fight. With God. Or at least I try to and realize that I never win. I fight for understanding, I fight for truth. I don’t discredit who God is nor His character in our matches together. I fight to have those truths be a reality in my life rather than something I have read out of the bible as though it were some textbook, a book, or heard in a sermon from someone’s else experience. I don’t want leftovers. So I have been wrestling. With God. And some of the places I go to feel dark. Feel lonely. Feelings of being scared but also raising questions of, “God where are you? I know you are good but what about this? What about that?

(Jacob wrestled with God- I think we might be related)

I have been fighting for peace, for rest, for release, to let go of the need to be in control, for courage and strength not be afraid when things don’t turn out how I thought they would, for surrender to unanswered questions. But how do I displace this. What takes it’s place?

Trust and Belief. In inviting God. In. And not just to the places that I think He can handle all the while clinging to what I think I’m capable of holding. Throwing my whole weight into these two words. It all comes down to these two words. When I understand this, when I actively make the choice to Trust and Believe- Peace and Rest soon follow.

Confirmation of how God is moving as blown me away. I received three different emails from all around the world these past few days. One from a friend whose calling is to India with her husband. She writes from the states,  “I think of a girl that is young and has tried on a dress that is beautiful, but she doesn’t feel very comfortable in it. People tell her she looks lovely, but she feels like she has some growing to do, or the dress needs to be a different color, or perhaps she needs to trade the dress in for something else all together. Then, one day–it seems like it happens over night–she wakes up and looks in the mirror. Every part of the dress fits perfectly on every curve of her body. She has grown into what God had handmade just for her. It all makes sense now–she has grown into something beautiful that was there all along. At times life tore at the dress and made her feel even more uncomfortable in the garment. Though tears fell and she was bruised– the dress never went anywhere nor did its maker. I am not saying that you are insecure. No, just the opposite. I believe that God has brought you and is bringing you into a place that you fit perfectly.”

The second, a friend of mine in Indonesia bringing me back to words in Romans 8 and how the life living in the Spirit is one that leads to peace.

Thirdly some encouragement from my leader Christie-,”I love that you are allowing these hard things to cause you to seek God and hear Him. I’m praying He continues to reveal more and more of yourself to you so that you can come to that place of fully resting in your belief in Him”

God summed up what He was wanting to instill in the moment in the car. “What if I opened my clenched hands to receive all that is? A life that receives God in this moment? How do you do that when the terror tears up your throat and you wear the burn scars of a razed past? The fear is suffocating, terrorizing, and I want the remedy and it is trust. Trust is everything.

So what do I do……… I JUMP. Full weight into Him.

( 11:00 tonight a friend of mine prayed over me, about this whole jumping thing. She prayed Psalm 84 for me but couldn’t recall the address. As I write and it’s 12:30- I get a text from another friend, telling me to rest, encouraging me to read…..Psalm 84. I guess when He wants to get through to you, He’s going to be loud and clear)

This entry was published on May 17, 2012 at 12:13 am and is filed under My Journey. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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